What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
COCAINE IS GR8
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
