Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
