Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
