Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
