the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
