maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
