A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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