Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
