Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
