is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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