i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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