The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
