True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
