I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
