It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish I only lived at night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
