it wasn't lemon gatorade
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
