Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I smell stomach acid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
