I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am naked and annoyed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
