a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
