How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
