I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
