There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
