Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
