sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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