so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
someone owes me an orgasm
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
