Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The best revenge is premature balding
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
