he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
