Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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