elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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