there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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