My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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