Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
