2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
