i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
