i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
