I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
