Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
