Midget sex pt 2 tonight
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
