I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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