so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
