im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
