sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
