Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
