I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
