Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
