uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
