My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
