You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
