It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
