Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
