Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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