omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
