so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
