Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
