I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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