I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
