Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
