I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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