I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
