I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
