I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
