We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
