yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
