the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
