Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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