I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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