You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
